A Tandem Nursing Story

Happy World Breastfeeding Week! Nursing a baby is magical - that the food I eat turns to rich milk, that my beautiful children thrive from that milk... It's really special. There is nothing like a baby or child looking up into your eyes as they nurse. That is beyond really special.

In honor of World Breastfeeding Week, I want to talk about Tandem Nursing.

What? Is that like extreme nursing on a tandem bike or something?

The definition of Tandem Nursing is nursing two kids at the same time. A mother of twins might be a tandem nurser. A mother who has one older nurseling and a new nursing baby is a tandem nurser. And so on. Tandem Nursing is somewhat controversial, especially in this culture that frequently frowns upon nursing past a year (despite the recommendations from the AAP and WHO). Nursing two (or more...some moms nurse more!) children, when one is able to sustain themselves with solid food is a whole other kind of cultural taboo.

Before we delve into Tandem Nursing, I want to talk a little bit about Extended Nursing - or nursing into the toddler or preschooler years. Nursing is not a mere mechanical food delivery system; babies and children nurse for food, for medicine, for comfort, for connection, and because it's really good stuff. There is a dance and relationship that develops between baby and mother. The choice to nurse a child is deeply personal, and the length of time that a mother chooses to nurse is also deeply personal. Because it is a relationship between two people, the choice to end or change that relationship must happen between those two people. It's not my doctor's business how long I nurse (barring some extreme medical situations), and likewise it's not relevant to my friends, family, or strangers on the bus. People can and will share their opinions with me, but at the end of the day the decision has to be between the two people in the relationship. Nursing should stop when either party in the relationship is done. If the child no longer wants to nurse - Done. If nursing is too much for the mother - Done. If the dentist says nursing past a year is highly questionable - Find a New Dentist. You wouldn't let your dentist decide if you should break up your relationship with your partner, or stop speaking to your best friend, right?


On to Tandem Nursing.

When Brother-Bug was almost three, I found out I was pregnant with the being who would come to be Sister-Bug. Brother-Bug was nursing 4-ish times a day and I still cherished that time with him. It felt especially important as I contemplated sharing myself bewteen two kids - it was a time to relish my first child and the ability I had for those years to lavish attention on him without distraction. And he didn't want to stop nursing anyway. So we didn't. We talked to our midwife, did some reading, and decided to take it one day at a time. At any point I might have been done, and we would have helped Brother-Bug with the transition to not nursing.

Eventually, Brother-Bug learned to curl his body around my growing belly, and we explored different nursing positions. He would pat and rub the belly while he nursed. I gave him more of a schedule of nursing times (waking up, nap time, going to bed) and we talked about how the baby would get to nurse whenever.

It wasn't all blissful. Brother-Bug's initial latch-on hurt my pregnancy-sensitized nipples. But it only hurt for a minute and it was something I decided I could live with. I gritted my teeth for the latch moment and breathed through it. It passed fairly quickly, and stopped almost entirely somewhere in my second trimester.

Eventually, Sister-Bug made her way into the world. Brother-Bug was present at her birth. When she was about half an hour old it was time for her first attempt at nursing. She latched on my left, Brother-Bug latched on my right, sitting next to me. I looked down at my two beautiful babes and Brother-Bug reached his arm to wrap it around his new sister, gently stroking her back as they nursed together. That one moment was worth every painful latch I experienced.

Sister-Bug is about 6 hours old here. I love the smile in Brother-Bug's eyes.

As they grew together they would hold hands while they nursed, smile at each other, and connect while piled up on me. There were a few moments in which I felt overwhemed, under my two nurslings, but for the most part it was wonderful. Brother-Bug had a very easy adjustment to being the older of two and I attribute some of it to Tandem Nursing - that they could share this special relationship helped him understand the link between he and his sister. I loved having an extra tummy when I was just making too much milk - he was always happy to help take some of the pressure off! As he grew, his nursing slacked off, and just before Sister-Bug turned one, I asked him to be done nursing. He wasn't remembering to nurse and then feeling frustrated because he had missed it. His brain still wanted it sometimes, but the rest of him had grown out of nursing. He had a last nurse, we celebrated with ice cream, and I continued to enjoy nursing Sister-Bug.

Fast forward to Sister-Bug's second birthday. I was newly pregnant with the current Fetus-Bug. Still nursing. Again, we are taking it one day at a time. Sister-Bug is a LOT less committed to nursing. Sometimes she skips whole days and doesn't even notice. But we are still nursing and I plan on doing so until she is done...or I am done. I won't be surprised if she stops nursing before this new baby is born. Latching on is still uncomfortable, but I know that it's worth it for me. I treasure these moments when I can right the wrongs in her world so easily; the moments where she snuggles up to me, gazing up as we nurse. She will be a big girl so soon. I'm watching curiously to see where she goes and when she stops. The differences between my children fascinates me.

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Tandem Nursing will not work for every mother. Some women have intense nipple and breast pain and must stop nursing. Some just don't want to keep nursing. And they shouldn't. Every woman's experience of nursing is different and should be supported and honored. If it's something you are considering, check out these sites:

La Leche League - Tandem Nursing : A great list of all their posts and links to Tandem Information

Breastfeeding Basics - Tandem Nursing : A very informative FAQ

Also buy yourself a copy of Adventures in Tandem Nursing, by Hilary Flowers. Good stuff there, and an invaluable reference to flip though as you nurse...and nurse...and nurse...

I've loved almost every moment of my Tandem Nursing experiences so far. If Sister-Bug does entirely wean herself before the baby is born, I will feel a little sad not to see that relationship develop as the baby sits on her lap while they nurse together. I love the way my arms and body encompass my children and feed them.

It's the best magic I can do. 

What Might Be Around The Bend

Over at The Homeschool Club they asked what homeschooling might look like in our family in the next few years. It's a thing to think about, for sure.

Right now, Brother-Bug is five and we are doing some kindergarten work. I say some because the kid already reads like a... like a seven or eight year old. So we can skip that alphabet prep.

The fabulous artwork of Carl Larsson.

In a few years, Sister-Bug will be doing her "Pre-School" work, Brother-Bug will probably be applying to Harvard. I say that tongue in cheek. I have no interest in pushing him (or his Sister) on any kind of a smart-kid-fast-track. That is one of the reason we are homeschooling - because we want their brains to be allowed to grow without lots of labels, restrictions, controls, and other aspects that are inherent in a system as massive as a public school system.

(I want to step back and be very clear. I have nothing against teachers. I love teachers and think that the work they do is amazing. Hats off to teachers. I also have nothing against people who believe that school is the best option for their family. We all have our own family structures that make sense to us. What I do take issue with is the mega-industrial-complex nature of the American public school system, which, I believe, ultimately dehumanizes both the heroic teachers and the amazing children.)

But back to the point. In a few years we will have another toddler probably, so I will be balancing teaching some middle-elementary grade work with preschool with babyhood. But the beauty of that is how it can all fit together. How Brother-Bug can be studying the complexities of the digestive system while Sister-Bug colors a picture of the stomach and intestines, and the imaginary baby nurses (using its digestive system!). Most of the time it will not look that idyllic and seamless. But there will be moments.

There will be math, geography, history, science, reading, respect, cooking, and play. Sometimes they will happen as well-thought-out lessons. Sometimes we will fight over the multiplication tables. Sometimes they will all happen at once, by accident. There will be music, family dinners, travels and adventures, cozy days with tea and reading and nothing else.

Every day, lesson planned or not, there will be opportunity to learn and adventure. Every day we will have rhythm and love and time to explore who we are. That is the essence of what we plan on doing here. 

A Question of Puppets

It's all over assorted news outlets right now - people urging Bert and Ernie to claim the rainbow flag and get married (since Sesame St. is ostensibly in New York, they have the legal right to do so...if they want to). Statements have been issued about how they are puppets, not people, and as such they do not have romantic/sexual orientation. That's all well and good, but it begs the question of Miss Piggy and Kermit's romantic entanglements in various Muppet movies...

I'll come out right now, just to save everyone the trouble. I'm in a hetero-normative marriage, with two kids, and some decidedly accepting views when it comes to other peoples lives and choices. Namely, if it's not hurting anyone, what is the issue? In my ramblings here I in no way intend to offend, exclude, or otherwise hurt anyone's feelings. These are my thoughts. Take them as such or click away.

Upon personal contemplation and lively discussion, I have decided that while I love the visual idea of Bert and Ernie getting married... Well, I like them better the way they are. Mostly undefined.

Bert and Ernie are two individual who love each other, who struggle with their differences, and share an apartment on Sesame St. Maybe they are friends. Maybe they are sweethearts. When I was little I assumed they were brothers.

Maybe the decisions that two individuals make in their home aren't really my business (as long as they aren't hurting anyone, right?).

Here's the thing. As long as they are undefined, parents can add their level of comfort in their definitions. Bert and Ernie can fit into so many places, becoming possible lessons.

Having trouble sharing a room with your sibling? Look at Bert and Ernie! They squabble sometimes, but they share a room and learn to work together.

Two siblings that look wildly different (maybe a family of adoption)? Look at Bert and Ernie! They may look different, but they sure act like siblings much of the time...

In a single-parent family, in a living situation that involves a roommate? Look at Bert and Ernie! Roommates can be a lot of fun, and sometimes a challenge.

In a family with two parents of the same gender? Look at Bert and Ernie! Two individuals of the same gender living together. Some people get married and some don't regardless of their orientation, but there are two guys living together in a supportive way - just because they are undefined doesn't mean a parent can't give them a little more definition if necessary. Any family could buy a couple of Bert and Ernie dolls and have a wedding. What you do in your home is your business.

And let's remember this. As long as Bert and Ernie can live together in platonic puppet-hood, everyone can watch Sesame St. All the pre-schoolers out there can be positively exposed to the picture of two males living together in (mostly) peaceful ways, supporting one another. I don't care who is oriented how, this is a message that needs to get out there. The minute that Bert and Ernie are outed by their creators, there will be a huge group of young people from conservative homes who will no longer be allowed to watch Sesame St. Who will not be exposed to the positive message that two males can live together and show one another they care, regardless of who they fall in love with.

I don't know what Brother-Bug thinks about Bert and Ernie. If I know much about kids, or remember anything from my childhood, it's not as interesting a question as we grown-ups seem to think it is.

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I realize that this is a potentially inflammatory post. I welcome any comments that are made in the spirit of respectful discussion, be they agreement or disagreement. But please keep it respectful. You would want people to treat you with respect, so honor that Golden Rule, please.

The Edible Color Wheel

Mixing play-doh last night with the Brother-Bug reminded me of an awesome project he and I did last fall. We made an edible color wheel.

Brother-Bug surveys the results.

Supplies:
*Books about color
*Sugar cookie dough
*White frosting
*Food coloring
*spoons, spatula...
*Paper
*Markers (Primary and secondary colors)

What we did...

We talked a lot about color, read art books, found colors in nature and everywhere else, identified hot colors and cool colors and got really immersed in the world of color.

With the sugar cookie dough we made a big round cookie - we made the dough from scratch, but there is no reason you couldn't use a pre-made dough. We rolled it out into an approximate circle, and cut another circle out of the middle to make a wheel. We baked it.

While it was baking and we waited for it to cool, we drew a color wheel with our markers. We looked at how orange is between red and yellow, how red is the compliment to green because it is directly across the wheel, and so on.

Once the cookie was cool, we got our white frosting - we used pre-made white frosting, but you could make your own if you want to. We divided the frosting into three piles and we used regular food coloring to dye each pile a primary color - red, yellow, and blue.

We took half of each pile and applied it to our cookie, taking care to leave space for the secondary colors. Now we had a primary color wheel.

You can guess where we went next - we used our remaining primary frostings to mix the secondary colors and added them to the wheel. All the while we are, of course, talking about color, asking questions, finding answers, and making observations.

When we were done... Voila! A beautiful desert with information to share with the Papa-Bug when he got home from work. We all got to pick which color we wanted a piece of.

Pretty! And Tasty!

A Feelings Game

Brother-Bug has big feelings. Really big. And it's hard for him to know what to do with him. He is super smart, already reading, able to comprehend things far beyond his years. This makes it hard for him to have a 4-year old's abilities. So we work and struggle daily with those big feelings.

Last night, while we were going to bed, I made up a new game for him. It seemed to really work. It elicited some good true crying, some giggles, and lots of cuddles.

It went like this:


Mama-Bug: Close your eyes and pretend you can see in a room where all your feelings are. You can see your feelings they all have colors and shapes and textures. They can look like anything you want them to. What do you see?

Brother-Bug: Giggles

Mama-Bug: Do you see that bad feeling you were just talking about?

Brother-Bug: Yes.

Mama-Bug: What does it look like?

Brother-Bug: Like a big pile of rotten chocolate cake. (More giggles)

Mama-Bug: Now look off to the left. Do you see that trash can and heavy gloves?

Brother-Bug: (with surprise) Yes!
Mama-Bug: Let's deal with this bad feeling. Let's really feel it. Tell me about it.

We talk about the feeling and what led up to it. He cries, we talk some more.

Mama-Bug: Now we have explored that feeling. Let's get rid of it. Put on those heavy gloves so that no icky feeling goo sticks to you. Now pick up the bad feeling and cram it into the trash can. Slam the lid so it can't get out.

Brother-Bug: Okay! (Lots of giggles)

I won't script out the next one. We identified some good feelings. In Brother-Bug's head they all look like different colors of jello. Some have sparkles. On the right side of this place - across from the trash can - is a big, empty bookshelf. He put his good feelings that he wants to save and have again on the shelf. Next to the shelf is a dresser with drawers. This is for storing feelings we aren't ready to deal with.

This game was great. We played with all different kinds of feelings, looking at them, feeling them, and really getting into it. He LOVES throwing the bad feelings away. I hope we can continue to play it and it empowers him to feel in control of his feelings, instead of feeling like they control him.

Math Beans

Here in homeschooling land we look for different ways to play and learn, so as to engage as many part of our brains as possible. For math, we really like the skill building over at IXL, as well as cooking, helping with shopping, general counting, and other similar tasks. This week I also made a Math Bean Game, with the help of a few beans and 2 egg cartons. It is basic, almost free, and nicely hands-on for a little person.

(You can click on the picture to get a clearer shot of our game.)

With a marker, write the numbers 1-12 in the first egg carton. Then 1-6 on each side of the second egg carton. In the second carton put the correct number of beans in each side, using two different kinds of beans (we used pintos and garbanzos, but you could also use 2 colors of beads, or marbles, or what ever). That's it. Now play! 

One way to play: take the beans from a #2 slot and put it in the #4 slot. How many of the other kind of bean do you need to make 4? 

Obviously you can do whatever numbers you want to do. You can add, subtract, work forward, work backward... all kinds of math play is possible with this practically free game!

What a Difference a Label Makes

You know the way a fridge looks when it's full. You can't find the cheese, you have to move six things out of the way to get at the cream for your coffee... and what the hell is in that old tupperware?? Yuck!! Oig. Close the fridge. Clean it. Put everything away logically. Two weeks later the logic has failed and the cream is again buried.

At least, that is my experience.

Or WAS my experience. It is no longer so.

Enter my Label Maker.

It wasn't an intentional organization project. Brother-Bug loves to label things and it is great spelling and reading practice. So, one day while we were cleaning the fridge we decided to label what goes on what shelf.

((Side note: a sorting project like that is great early math!! Homeschooling rocks.))

To my surprise, the labeling stuck. That was a pun.

All of a sudden, you could always find what you are looking for in my fridge. Leftovers were a breeze to clean out. Making the shopping list was a joy because I could easily see what was missing.
Papa-Bug and I both put things back where they belonged. Brother-Bug is able to easily find the snacks that we get for his enjoyment. When the system gets messed up it is obvious, as well as being quick and easy to fix.

It's amazing, the power that a label has.

When we moved into a new house a couple of weeks ago, the fridge got loaded in a rush. No time to put things away neatly, just get them put away and move on to a more pressing issue. But over the course of two weeks, I watched every family member struggle with the disorganization of the fridge. Where were the carrots? The string cheese? What happened to the leftovers we were planning on eating? Why on earth is the Hoisin sauce always in the way?

I got out my label maker.

Things are calm in the fridge again. The salad dressings and hot sauces have their shelf. The Hoisin sauce is where it belongs. Lettuce is no longer mingling with yogurts. The organization makes the fridge feel more spacious. I did the freezer and pantry too.

Contented sigh.

I just put this week's groceries away. It took half the time that it took last week, because there is a place for everything and now everything is in it's place.

Basic Nutrition - The 3 Gs

Who can hold the nutrition chart in their head and then carefully and dutifully count the number of servings of this and that each day? I certainly can’t and I study this stuff! Nor can I count for my kid (and how is a serving of grains for a child different than for an adult?) because there is almost always lots going on here and likely I am busy answering a question about the functionality of hydraulic pistons for the four-year old, balancing the one-year old on my hip, and trying to answer the phone, while pulling together a lunch that will suit us. Things get busy and complicated and most of us just don’t have good time or knowledge to go that in-depth with our daily food consumption. Now, if Nutrition and A Balanced Diet is complicated for me - educated in nutrition and herbalism - to follow and understand, how the heck do I explain it to my four-year old? I have talked with plenty of adults, parents and not-parents, who quail at the mention of Nutrition and A Balanced Diet. This stuff can be crazy technical. Or is it??

Enter the “3 Gs”. I must admit, this is not my own idea. Once upon a time I overheard some parents use this concept to explain to their preschooler why it’s important to eat the salad. I was struck by the simplicity and elegance of this idea. But what are The 3 Gs?

The basic idea is that your body needs
Proteins for Growing,
Carbohydrates for Going,
and
Vegetables/Fruits for Glowing.

That’s it. In a nutshell. You can explain that to anyone from about 18-months up. I’ve explained this to adults and often see the relief at the simplicity of feeding themselves a well balanced meal. The important thing is to simply make sure that the plate you serve yourself has a component of each G on it, or that you get some of each G throughout the day. You can tinker with how much your body/your kid’s body needs and to with what you learn from your own response. For example, kids need a heck of a lot of protein and fat to grow their busy brains and bodies, so you can adjust accordingly.

Of course, there is a caveat. A Big Mac does, technically, have all 3 Gs on it – meat for a protein, bun for carbs, and iceberg lettuce and tomato for fruit/veggie. But that doesn’t count. Most school lunches do, technically, have all 3 Gs included, but that doesn’t speak to either the quality or what the kids choose to eat. Using this method assumes we also use intelligence about the quality of foods we put in our bodies. The same rules of food consumption apply – eat whole foods, eat fresh foods when possible, eat a diversity of foods, and enjoy your food.

But now you can toss that nutrition chart. It’s a pile of lobbied in c**p mostly, anyway. But that’s a rant for a different time.