Mama To A Dressy Boy

When Brother-Bug was born we were delighted to have a little son. He had mostly boyish clothes - largely because the hand-me-downs we got were from his older boy cousins and a couple other friends with boys. Had he been a girl the clothes would have been the same. We were poor and finishing college and relied on the hand-me-downs.

Fast forward a little less than two years and it was summer. He was hot and didn't want to wear his diaper, so we popped him into a pink striped sundress that we had in the hand-me-down box. I don't know about you, but Papa-Bug and I both find dresses much more comfortable on a really hot day. Brother-Bug loved his dress and begged for more.

Of course, we did dress him like a Faery-Baby at 10-months... It's NOT a dress! Those are shorts!

Since it didn't bother us, we gave him more dresses. The next summer, I made him a sundress with a bulldozer dress on it - instant favorite.

Fast forward to now. My son wears a variety of clothes that he finds comfortable. Sometimes that's a t-shirt and pants or shorts. Sometimes it's a skirt and t-shirt. Sometimes it's a dress. Once it was an old necktie as a belt, holding up a loincloth made of bubble wrap - he told me he was dressing as a pirate.

Our family is "traditional" in the sense that we have a Mama, a Papa & 2.38 kids. I stay home and Papa-Bug goes to work. Papa-Bug usually wears a tie and button-down to work. I wear an assortment of clothing (determined largely by what is clean). The kids have aunts and uncles, friends of both genders, adult friends who are queer in assorted ways... My point here is that Brother-Bug hasn't had a lot of exposure to boys in dresses, beyond our allowing (and even encouraging him) to wear dresses if they are comfortable to him. He came to his fashion desires of his own accord.


Mommy Man posted about his 2-year old's desire to wear a dress and I started thinking about this. What is my responsibility to my son's clothing preferences? Of course I don't want him to think that his preferences are wrong or shameful, and I don't want to expose him to teasing or shaming (from his peers or adults). But by suggesting to him that his favorite polka-dot skirt, striped tights, and pink converse might not be appropriate for a trip to the playground... What does that tell him? That he can be himself, but only in certain circumstances and specific places?

This is my 2-year old boy...in a dress.

True, that's part of culture. There are times and places for everything, and I'm into both Little-Bugs learning the difference between our private lives and the things we do at home versus our public lives and the things we do in the world around our homes. But clothing? I can wear a skirt and tights to the playground, so can Sister-Bug.

My responsiblity to his clothing is to make sure he is dressed appropriately for the weather we will encounter. My responsibility is to make sure he feels loved and supported if he encounters resistance or judgement regarding his clothing decisions - from wearing an un-cool t-shirt to wearing his favortie spinning dress.

There are times I guide his clothing choices to ensure his comfort - physical and social-emotional. But unless we will be going somewhere that I believe either he or his parents will be seriously discomfitted by our lovely boy in a skirt, I let him do what he wants. I do make him leave the bubble wrap at home - or at least put pants or a skirt under it. I'm sure that the world he lives in will spend plenty of time and energy trying to get him to "dress correctly" and I can help him with those decisions when they arise.

I've heard a few arguements against letting him wear dresses. They are, quite frankly, laugable.

The first - He will develop a sense of shame by wearing dresses. Wait. Let me think about that... If I allow him and support him in being the person that he wants to be (who or whatever that is) he will develop a sense of shame? That just doesn't even begin to make sense. We develop a sense of shame when we are taught that something we do is shameful.

The second - It is not normal for boys to wear dresses. Hmmmm...Shall we start pointing at cultures around the world where a dress, skirt, or other flowing garment is the usual garb for men and boys? Shall we traipse through history, back less than 120 years ago, when all children wore skirts into their early childhood? Today, in American culture it is not normal to see a boy in a dress. That has no actual bearing on what is or is not normal for boys.

The third - (this one comes mostly from the younger set - kids that see Brother-Bug in a dress) Boys don't wear dresses! Well, Brother-Bug is a boy and he wears dresses, so I guess boys do wear dresses. So there. Girls wear pants, right?

So much for the arguements.

Hot day. Breezy sundress. He's almost 4 here.

Sure, we gather some strange looks in public sometimes. People get thrown off by a boy in a dress. I have interesting conversations sometimes. But I am usually plesantly surprised by peoples' ability to accept my boy in a dress and often compliment him on how nice he looks. I was (and I still am) ready to fight for him and his right to his preferneces. But so far, he dresses in his dresses. He's happy. I'll close with his thoughts:

Mama-Bug: Why do you like to wear dresses?
Brother-Bug: Ummmm....I don't know. I just like to wear dresses because I like to wear dresses. And they are pretty.

And who can argue with that?

A Question of Puppets

It's all over assorted news outlets right now - people urging Bert and Ernie to claim the rainbow flag and get married (since Sesame St. is ostensibly in New York, they have the legal right to do so...if they want to). Statements have been issued about how they are puppets, not people, and as such they do not have romantic/sexual orientation. That's all well and good, but it begs the question of Miss Piggy and Kermit's romantic entanglements in various Muppet movies...

I'll come out right now, just to save everyone the trouble. I'm in a hetero-normative marriage, with two kids, and some decidedly accepting views when it comes to other peoples lives and choices. Namely, if it's not hurting anyone, what is the issue? In my ramblings here I in no way intend to offend, exclude, or otherwise hurt anyone's feelings. These are my thoughts. Take them as such or click away.

Upon personal contemplation and lively discussion, I have decided that while I love the visual idea of Bert and Ernie getting married... Well, I like them better the way they are. Mostly undefined.

Bert and Ernie are two individual who love each other, who struggle with their differences, and share an apartment on Sesame St. Maybe they are friends. Maybe they are sweethearts. When I was little I assumed they were brothers.

Maybe the decisions that two individuals make in their home aren't really my business (as long as they aren't hurting anyone, right?).

Here's the thing. As long as they are undefined, parents can add their level of comfort in their definitions. Bert and Ernie can fit into so many places, becoming possible lessons.

Having trouble sharing a room with your sibling? Look at Bert and Ernie! They squabble sometimes, but they share a room and learn to work together.

Two siblings that look wildly different (maybe a family of adoption)? Look at Bert and Ernie! They may look different, but they sure act like siblings much of the time...

In a single-parent family, in a living situation that involves a roommate? Look at Bert and Ernie! Roommates can be a lot of fun, and sometimes a challenge.

In a family with two parents of the same gender? Look at Bert and Ernie! Two individuals of the same gender living together. Some people get married and some don't regardless of their orientation, but there are two guys living together in a supportive way - just because they are undefined doesn't mean a parent can't give them a little more definition if necessary. Any family could buy a couple of Bert and Ernie dolls and have a wedding. What you do in your home is your business.

And let's remember this. As long as Bert and Ernie can live together in platonic puppet-hood, everyone can watch Sesame St. All the pre-schoolers out there can be positively exposed to the picture of two males living together in (mostly) peaceful ways, supporting one another. I don't care who is oriented how, this is a message that needs to get out there. The minute that Bert and Ernie are outed by their creators, there will be a huge group of young people from conservative homes who will no longer be allowed to watch Sesame St. Who will not be exposed to the positive message that two males can live together and show one another they care, regardless of who they fall in love with.

I don't know what Brother-Bug thinks about Bert and Ernie. If I know much about kids, or remember anything from my childhood, it's not as interesting a question as we grown-ups seem to think it is.

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I realize that this is a potentially inflammatory post. I welcome any comments that are made in the spirit of respectful discussion, be they agreement or disagreement. But please keep it respectful. You would want people to treat you with respect, so honor that Golden Rule, please.

Actually...

My sweet, bookish, truck-loving son has an affinity for sundresses. And we haven't told him that boys don't wear dresses. In fact, his Papa-Bug has a couple of skirts and sarongs for hot days.

Boys wear dresses in cultures around the globe.

Brother-Bug wears his dresses whenever and wherever. Today he wore one to the library, eliciting one of my favorite events:


Queer Community Member Puts Child In Gender Box.

He has short hair. He wears boy-ish glasses. He wears Lightning McQueen shoes. It seems obvious to me that he is a boy. But the dress throws people every time. And that's okay. It mostly delights me when someone I know to be queer, formerly queer, or otherwise into breaking out of the heterosexual-gender-dichotomy thinks the kid is a girl, simply based on one article of his clothing. I delight in correcting these people. It has only happened a couple of times.

It goes like this:

Boy twirls in circle wearing his favorite flowered dress.

Liberal Friend says something like "She's so cute! And she seems to like her hair short."

I respond with, "Nope. HE likes to wear dresses."

Liberal friend then usually has the wherewithal to look chagrined. Because they just boxed a child based on the previously mentioned heterosexual-gender-dichotomy that they railed against at some protest somewhere.

HA!

 

This is him, a couple of years ago, in his favorite, mommy-made bulldozer dress. Quite a little guy, isn't he?