Post Mother's Day Contemplations

When I started this post I was listening to Papa-Bug lovingly instruct the Little-Bugs in the art of French Toast preparation. There were presents that the kids were having a hard time waiting to open.

Mother's Day can be really excellent, or really stressful, partly because it's such an obligatory holiday. You can't get out of it unless you don't have a mom, and I imagine it mocks and stings for those who don't have a mom. If you forget or neglect, you are a bad child. If you're a mom and you just don't want to go to a dressy brunch (send the kids!) you're an unappreciative mom at best. Once you become a mom you have to decide how to have your own day with your own kid(s) and how to honor your own mom. Of you're a dad you have to try to make the day special and worry free for your partner and honor your own mother too. It's different than Christmas where everyone is celebrating everyone.

It was a wonderful day.

Now don't get me wrong - I enjoy Mother's Day, especially in theory. Mothers work really hard for their families and should have a special day and be honored. And we should stop making assumptions and obligations about mothers and what they want for their day.

For years, my mom attended an art retreat over Mother's Day, out of cell phone range. We scolded her because as her kids we are supposed to care for her and surround her with our love on this day in particular. It's later, after I am daily attended by my small entourage that I really understand that a weekend where she didn't have to respond to us at all was her best Mother's Day gift to herself. I wish I would have thought to contribute to the fees for her retreat.

This article about Anna Jarvis and her campaign against the commercialization of Morher's Day was fascinating and gave me a lot to think about - namely what aspects constitute a good Mother's Day, beyond the cards, flowers, and nice meals.

Here are some things I came up with that side-step the commercial and would make many of the moms I know pretty happy.


Make Good Decisions - Moms make a million decisions everyday - what to have for snack, which chore to prioritize, what is or isn't worthy of a time out, is that fall worth a call to the nurse or a visit to urgent care, playdate or no, organic or conventional... Make decisions for her. If you're caring for a mom close to you on Mother's Day, you have an idea of her preferences. Let her know that you would like to surprise her on Mother's Day by taking decision making off her plate and ask if that would be okay. Then make a meal you know she loves or take her to her favorite restaurant (its probably not the one with toy dinosaurs on the tables). You might have to do some sneaky reconnaissance work in advance, but it will be worth it. If you're going out, get the kids and diaper bag ready without assistance. Let her sail through and enjoy. 

Save Her Space - If you know she doesn't want to hang out with family, arrange a fun adventure that precludes a family brunch. Call her mom and/or mother-in-law and say you are planning a special all-day surprise for her and ask if there is a different day for an extended family celebration. Then send the mama to a spa, take her to the beach or a favorite hike/museum/picnic spot. Arrange that some of this adventure is hers without you, kids, or anyone else. Or just stay home and let her know the day is Hers with no obligations. Turn the phone off.


Tackle Her To-Do List - Even if she's really on top of it, you know there is something on it that's not getting done. Stay up a little late Saturday night or get up extra early Mother's Day morning and do that chore you know she keeps moving down the stack - clear the laundry off the couch and actually put it away, sweep that area that clearly hasn't been swept recently, scrub a sink or two... When she wakes up, there's less on The List, which is a huge gift. And free.

Along similar lines, if you plan to make her a special meal, make sure it comes with a beautifully clean kitchen. Cleaning up after the preparation of a gourmet meal is a lot of extra work!


And one inspired by my Mom, specific for Grandparents - Give her the gift of no expectations. She's a mom with kids of assorted ages, the commitments and expectations of day-to-day life looming. Remember what that was like? Your daughter loves you and honors you. Give her the day - no expectations, no invitation with pressure, no guilt-trip if she forgets to call you. If shes having a great Mother's Day, she is doing it her way with her kids. You raised a good Mom - pour yourself a drink and raise a glass to both of you. My Mom has done this for me - suggesting I could join her for mimosas, but not caring if I don't show up. If I call her, she's the first to say Happy Mother's Day, and if I don't get to the phone she wishes me well the next time we talk - no guilt, no pressure. It's one of the best gifts I've received for Mother's Day.

Mothers-In-Law can let their son lavish the Mother of her grandchildren with attention and flowers - and not get bent out of shape if he neglects his Mom a little. Raise a glass to yourself - you taught your son how to be a good partner and father. Your Mother's Day gift is that he is living that lesson you taught him.

These are just a few ideas - and in case Papa-Bug is reading this, I had a wonderful Mother's Day. I had sometime to contemplate this post and discuss some of the pitfalls of Mother's Day when a friend and I went out - without our kids! - for a beverage.

All in all I am very satisfied with my celebration. And I offer these ideas as a jumping-off-point for anyone who wants to have - or to help a Mother have - a fantastic Mother's Day next time around.

Those Other Mothers

Look at the time - it's early in the morning or late at night... Sister-Bug has been up all night with a nasty tummy something. The poor little thing wakes up in agony every few minutes to shriek and writhe.

(I have thoroughly checked her and ruled out the need for immediate medical care... I'm guessing a very bad gas bubble.)

It was a long day today, visiting my sister in California and adventuring around her haunts. We aren't in our own bed, which makes this harder. And every few minutes I must be ON. On for crooning and tummy rubs and sitting up rocking, or anything else that eases this baby's discomfort.

And I do it.

It's very zen. We are here and now doing this because there is nothing else to be done.

It is nights like this that I feel the Other Mothers. These are the mothers that span time and place. Mothers of ancient Sumeria or present day Finland. Pioneer mothers or exiled queens. My ancestors, and any other mother who has sat up with a sick child, all night long, dredging compassion and patience and one more lullaby from the depth of her weary being.

I feel their hands on my back when I want to lay down, but must remain sitting. I feel their hands gently over my mouth when I want to scream with tired frustration. I feel their love pouring over me, enabling me to continue pouring love over my child.

I am so grateful for those other mothers - the ones who have sat up in the past and the ones who are sitting up tonight. And I hope, someday, my spirit can fly to a future mother as she sits rocking all night long.

Mindful Monday: A Little Bit for Me

I've noticed that when I take 5 minutes in the morning to groom and care for myself - prefferably with the bathroom door closed! - I have a much better day. So that's my intention for this week, just a little bit of self care.

Who: Me! Just ME!
What: Prioritizing my daily ablutions.
Why: If I put myself together in the morning, I feel so much more on top of my day. Everything else might fall apart, but at least I have deodorant on, right?
How: Take the time to brush my teeth, wash my face with rosewater, put on deodorant, brush and fix my hair (which hangs past my hips and I usually keep up), and choose some earrings for the day. Reward myself with a new pair (or two!) of earrings. Attempt to accomplish this before 9:00, but don't beat myself up if it happens later.

Remembering the Now

Mama and kids piled up, as seen by my phone.

I am more of a morning person than anything else. The occasional day I like to sleep in, lounge, and cuddle until later hours, but usually I am easily restless, curious to see what the day will bring. With a nursling in bed, this can sometimes be a challenge.

Sister-Bug loves to snack and snuggle from about 5:30 on. Sometimes she gets up at 7 or so, sometimes not til 8 or later. Somedays she is deep enough that I can get up and grab a few moments with Papa-Bug, or to myself. Most mornings we cuddle and nurse.

Some mornings Brother-Bug cuddles up to me, effectively pinning me between two sleeping kidlets. Then I am truly stuck, even if Sister-Bug is deep enough for me to detach and persue my own aims. 

Some days I lay there fuming, impatient to get going.

This is a waste of time and energy, as well as precious moments.

In what will feel like minutes, these precious children of mine will leave the family bed and I will be able to get in and out as my whimsy dictates. In the blink of an eye I will kiss them as they leave for sleep-overs, travels, college... Papa-Bug and I will have our bed back to ourselves again.

As Gretchen Rubin so aptly states: "The days are long, but the years are short." I lose so much if I wish away these long morning cuddles. 

Right now, in these moments, my kids want only that I cuddle them. They still fit snug next to me. They aren't so big yet. These are not moments to wish away, so that I might do dishes, or check email, or other mundane dailies. These are precious moments to savor, each and every one.

To get some extra rest.

To dream or daydream.

To read a little while they snooze.

To enjoy the curves and lines of these two beautiful little people, and to marvel at how fast they are growing.

These are the moments I will miss someday.

Book Review: The Mother Dance

I'm going through a reading kick that involves lots of parenting books. My parenting style feels like it has been falling apart or re-inventing itself. I have several books I am going to write about here, but we will start with the first one that came on on reserve from the library.

The Mother Dance

By Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

This book was interesting. A little toward the self-help side of things for my taste. But definitely thoughtful and well put-together. I would give this one three out of five stars.

I loved this quote from the book:

"To opt for kids is to opt for chaos, complexity, turbulence, and truth. Kids will make you love them in a way you never thought possible. The will also confront you with all the painful and unsavory emotions that humans put so much energy into trying to avoid. Children will teach you about yourself and about what it's like not to be up to the demands of the most important responsibility you'll ever have. They'll teach you that you are capable of deep compassion, and also that you are definitely no the nice, calm, competent, clear-thinking, highly evolved person you fancied yourself to be before you became a mother." 

That was right at the end. It sums up so much truth of parenting - be you mother of father.

To be honest, I finished this book about a month ago and so am missing some of the details. It is back at the library, so I can't look back for a refresher. But it was a good book, and worth my reading time. It was certainly (as the Library Reserve Faerys seemed to know) a good place to start on my current parenting reading quest.

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I just love library reserve programs! I get the books I want without having to drag my tired and loud children into the adult floors of the library. What a blessing!