Simple Saturday: A New Piece of Rhythm

At Simplicity Parenting, Kim John Payne talks a lot about adding rhythm and "pressure valves" to the day. A pressure valve is a time and space that a child (or family member of any age) can rely on, a time and space in which they can let go if need be. Some examples are grace or a moment of silence at meal times, bedtime check-ins and prayers, of after school snacks... Of course, these options are limited only by what your family needs and can create in your home.

One place that always needs work in our house is the kitchen. Some people seem to be born with a knack for keeping a kitchen clean. Not me. Not Papa-Bug. Both of us enjoy a clean kitchen, and both of us love food and cooking. Neither of us has good follow through when we are cooking. One thing I really want to pass on to the kids is a sense of cleanliness and follow-through, and the joy found in keeping our space clean.

So, about 2 weeks ago we started a new after-dinner rhythm that has been working very well. Everyone helps clean up the kitchen while one grown-up reads aloud to the workers. Even Sister-Bug has a job - she takes the napkins to the laundry - before she does some water play in the sink next to the tidying parent. Brother-Bug clears the table and counters to the space for dirty dishes, scrapes the dishes into the compost, and sweeps up under the table. We frequently find ourselves pausing to listen to a particularly exciting part of our book, or pausing reading to help keep the kids on task. Brother-Bug's chores are still obviously done by five-year old hands (we need to re-sweep usually), but he gains competence with each evening we work together.

Sister-Bug loves doing dishes.

The most amazing thing to me is that there has been no resistance from Brother-Bug (or anyone else, but I didn't expect Sister-Bug to say she didn't want to play in water...). He calmly and even joyfully tackles each task, and is easily drawn back to our project when his attention strays.

I need to do a little preparation for it to work out easily for everyone - like making sure the dishwasher is empty and the knives aren't in Sister-Bug's sink, but that is easily accomplished in a day (most days, anyway). I am delighted at how this is working so far - a cleaner kitchen all around, helpers and learners with me, everyone going to bed earlier since no parent (usually Papa-Bug) is left up late with a filthy kitchen, and such a simple way to connect.

Our after-dinner clean up is rapidly becoming my favorite time of day.

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In related news, Papa-Bug has started a new Blog! When we started dating, almost ten years ago, we were both avid writers. Hopefully some of that passion is coming back and both of us can do more writing. I especially like the way he reviews beer - it always gives me a chuckle.

What Might Be Around The Bend

Over at The Homeschool Club they asked what homeschooling might look like in our family in the next few years. It's a thing to think about, for sure.

Right now, Brother-Bug is five and we are doing some kindergarten work. I say some because the kid already reads like a... like a seven or eight year old. So we can skip that alphabet prep.

The fabulous artwork of Carl Larsson.

In a few years, Sister-Bug will be doing her "Pre-School" work, Brother-Bug will probably be applying to Harvard. I say that tongue in cheek. I have no interest in pushing him (or his Sister) on any kind of a smart-kid-fast-track. That is one of the reason we are homeschooling - because we want their brains to be allowed to grow without lots of labels, restrictions, controls, and other aspects that are inherent in a system as massive as a public school system.

(I want to step back and be very clear. I have nothing against teachers. I love teachers and think that the work they do is amazing. Hats off to teachers. I also have nothing against people who believe that school is the best option for their family. We all have our own family structures that make sense to us. What I do take issue with is the mega-industrial-complex nature of the American public school system, which, I believe, ultimately dehumanizes both the heroic teachers and the amazing children.)

But back to the point. In a few years we will have another toddler probably, so I will be balancing teaching some middle-elementary grade work with preschool with babyhood. But the beauty of that is how it can all fit together. How Brother-Bug can be studying the complexities of the digestive system while Sister-Bug colors a picture of the stomach and intestines, and the imaginary baby nurses (using its digestive system!). Most of the time it will not look that idyllic and seamless. But there will be moments.

There will be math, geography, history, science, reading, respect, cooking, and play. Sometimes they will happen as well-thought-out lessons. Sometimes we will fight over the multiplication tables. Sometimes they will all happen at once, by accident. There will be music, family dinners, travels and adventures, cozy days with tea and reading and nothing else.

Every day, lesson planned or not, there will be opportunity to learn and adventure. Every day we will have rhythm and love and time to explore who we are. That is the essence of what we plan on doing here. 

Simple Saturday: Book Review

This all started because I got this book, Simplicity Parenting, out of the library.

No, it started before that. For about a year I have been wondering how I slid from my visions of a low-toy environment, where media was almost non-existent and my child could grow and develop into this Giant Toy Pile. What happened? This was not what I envisioned as I rubbed my giant belly five years ago.

I've been ruminating and questing for answers, wondering if my original vision is just too at-odds with this culture to be realized. My parental instincts have been shooting off warning flares as I have ignored what I know is True about kids - namely that that children need time, attention, and space more than they need anything else.

Finally, after weeks of waiting, Simplicity Parenting arrived at the library. I read through it as voraciously as my two attention-craving children would let me. It answered so many of those questions I had been asking. It reinforced what I know as a parent, reminded me that my instincts are right and good, and that this culture works tirelessly to undermine that knowledge and to keep us on the "more, more, More!!!" track.

The messages of Kim John Payne are clear and concise (one might even say Simple). Childhood is a precious time that speeds by so quickly... and here we (parents, family, friends, culture at large) hustle these little beings through that time. We want them to learn more, have goals, do that, own this, find that teachable moment, squire that skill... All for their benefit. After all, these are our children and they deserve all we can give them, right?

What Payne contends (and I adamantly agree with) is that kids DON'T need things that are newer, better, faster, more. They don't need to take a jillion extra-curricular activities to succeed. They don't need the latest "Thneed" that everyone else needs.

They need time and space, simple thoughts and clear schedules so that they might fully delve into their experiences.

For me, the most thought-provoking aspect of Payne's writing was his thoughts on simplifying the teachable moments, and how we (liberal open affirming educated patents) push so much information at our kids, in an effort to help the have a rich emotional vocabulary or be good and informed citizens of the world. Payne argues that the can be just as hard on kids as too much stuff or too much TV. kids need to learn to identify sad and happy before they deeply analyze those feelings. Kids need to feel the world is small and safe before they can venture out as the good global citizens we envision.

This particular aspect has given me lots of moments of reflection ad I watch myself and Papa-Bug in out parenting quests.

Finally, in the similar vein, as I constantly overload my children verbally (guilty of that...so guilty...), I keep returning to the simple thought that really stuck with me after the book was done and back at the library:

"if you are talking, you aren't listening."

To sum the book review, I would give it four stars - maybe five when I have had more time to put some of the suggestions into practice. Furthermore, I suggest it as an excellent read for anyone who feels like parenting, kids, their mountain of stuff, or the whole whizz-bang culture is just a little too much too fast.

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There is a related website and blog that I am enjoying exploring. You can check it out - lots of nice fooder for thought. I plan on posting a review here soon.

Mindful Monday: Simplify, Simplify

Right now I am in the middle of reading Simplicity Parenting. Likely I will be posting a review and my personal thoughts on it soon. Until then, let me just say that the messages of Kim John Payne are really resonating with me, and backing up some ideas I already have had, leading where my instincts tell me to go.

When we moved I initiated a toy library/bank. I put about 1/4 or so of the kids toys in a big bin, intending to switch out toys as they looked for the missing toys or wanted something new.

To my surprise everyone, including me, forgot about the bin until recently. So far I am the only one who has remembered. I haven't mentioned it to the kids. Their room is so full of stuff that they haven't even noticed the missing toys.

This Monday I am committing to doing some of the reduction and clean out recommended by Payne in his book.

Who: Family-wide, everyone gets to play! (I'll be the one doing the majrity of the grunt work, however...)

What: Clean out and simplify the books, make a toy-simplification plan.

Why: Brother-Bug has so many books and toys that he is often too overwhelmed to play with them. There is too much choice. There is too much junk - the broken, the excessive, the repetitious. In the books...I pride myself on  an excellent selection of picture books that spans shelves and shelves and shelves. And mostly they live on the floor. There are just too many that we are threatening to permenently submerge under tidal waves of books (I will admit that I can think of worse ways to go...).

How: I have already started by sifting through the picture books in the living room. I have packed into boxes more than 2/3 of the books, leaving out classics and much adored books and ones that I think would be much adored if they ever got time. We went from 3 full shelves to a little less than one shelf. Most books I packed away, to come out again in the future. I will repeat this in the play-room, as well as on the grown-up shelves. There is at least one bookshelf in every room, except the bathroom.

As far as modifying the toy situation, I plan on sharing the ideas from Simplicity Parenting with Papa-Bug and making a plan of when and how we can reduce the toy mountain. I don't want to make a specific plan, because it needs to happen when the kids are not around. But happen it will!

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I'm feeling very inspired about simplifying the kids lives - and my life by extension. If things go the way I plan, I will have a whole series of posts about these endeavors and their results. I feel, deep in my bones, that there is too much stuff, too much drive, to much information, to much going, going, going to be a healthy adult. If I feel that way as an adult, how would it be to be a developing child? My heart shudders. So, simplification... Here we COME!!

Mindful Monday: Is Acutally Tuesday: But We Try Anyway

No time to write yesterday. Sister-Bug was up early and during her naps I am sewing her a dress to wear to her Faery-God-Parent's wedding this weekend. It would have gone well, except that I put the sleeves on wrong and had to rip and re-do. Bummer. But now the bodice is done and I just have to do the skirt and zipper. She is going to be so darn cute!

But on to our Mindful Mon(Tues)Day!

The boychick at about 18-months...in his pile.

I'm tackling a big one this week - one that is not strictly me. Actually, it mostly involves Brother-Bug and his bookish habits. He likes to keep stacks of books near by him at all times and (being a 4-year old) is not the greatest at putting those books away. I've been trying for what feels like aeons no to get him to pick up his books. Put one away, take one down. Pick them up before meals. And so on. But still, we end up with books all over the floor. This is a problem for me, especially when we injure library books.

Yesterday, in preparation for this post, I talked to him about Mindful Monday and what it means and how he can participate this week. I formed a plan with him about keeping the books picked up. Here's how it goes:

Keeping the Library Books Picked Up

Who: Brother-Bug and me
What: Keeping library books off the floor and couch.
Why: Because books on the floor is a pet-peeve. Because I love and respect books and want to keep them nice. Because we keeping tearing/bending/injuring library books and I hate having to carry them, shoulders slumped in shame, to the repairs desk. Because learning to clean up is really important.
How: I've worked on this one a lot already, and haven't found anything that inspires Brother-Bug. So we are trying a stick and carrot method this week.

*I will remind him several times throughout the day to check his library books and make sure they are all on the library shelf. He gets 2 "nice askings" and one "firm telling".

*If he doesn't pick them up, or fusses at me, I pick them up. All errant library books go in the returns stack. There is no chance to get them out.

*If he gets to Friday (library day) and most of his books are in the return stack he doesn't get to check out any new books this week.

*However, if he does pick them up himself - on his own initiative or when reminded once - throughout the day, he will earn some computer time and fifty cents toward his current spending goal.

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Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. But we can't keep destroying library books. And if it works, we can move on to all the other books we own that seem to spend a lot of time as wall-to-wall carpeting. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Book Review: The Mother Dance

I'm going through a reading kick that involves lots of parenting books. My parenting style feels like it has been falling apart or re-inventing itself. I have several books I am going to write about here, but we will start with the first one that came on on reserve from the library.

The Mother Dance

By Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

This book was interesting. A little toward the self-help side of things for my taste. But definitely thoughtful and well put-together. I would give this one three out of five stars.

I loved this quote from the book:

"To opt for kids is to opt for chaos, complexity, turbulence, and truth. Kids will make you love them in a way you never thought possible. The will also confront you with all the painful and unsavory emotions that humans put so much energy into trying to avoid. Children will teach you about yourself and about what it's like not to be up to the demands of the most important responsibility you'll ever have. They'll teach you that you are capable of deep compassion, and also that you are definitely no the nice, calm, competent, clear-thinking, highly evolved person you fancied yourself to be before you became a mother." 

That was right at the end. It sums up so much truth of parenting - be you mother of father.

To be honest, I finished this book about a month ago and so am missing some of the details. It is back at the library, so I can't look back for a refresher. But it was a good book, and worth my reading time. It was certainly (as the Library Reserve Faerys seemed to know) a good place to start on my current parenting reading quest.

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I just love library reserve programs! I get the books I want without having to drag my tired and loud children into the adult floors of the library. What a blessing!

Raising a Reader of Books

Brother-Bug has always been a reader. From the time of infancy, before he could point, he would spot a favorite book and shriek at it, waving his fat arms until I capitulated and read it to him...over and over and over.

Sister-Bug has taken a little longer to come to the conclusion that books are more than a teething delicacy. But now she is full swing, bring me book after book and requesting that I drop everything and read. If I don't do so, she whacks me in the leg with her book and howls. So I frequently drop everything and read. The same very dull board books. Over and over and over.

If you are a parent you know the ones. Anything with baby faces. Anything with trucks (that was the boy) or kitties (that is the girls passion). Over and over and over.


Luckily there are some really great ones that I do read happily many, many times.

I Kissed the Baby (Mary Murphy) & The Way I Feel (Janan Cain) come to mind. The wonderful many books by Sandra Boynton are also fun on repeat.

But mostly I remind myself over and over and over that reading these books is teaching my kids that books are wonderful. That it is so important to read - more important than doing the dishes sometimes! I want them to love books and have them around througout their lives. I want reading and literacy to be a staple in their lives. So I read these mind-numbing baby face books. Over and Over and Over.

Because here is the goal:

On The Shelf

The major event of the weekend - the one that took three days to clean up from - was unpacking the majority of our books and getting them on the shelves.

There is still more to do - still many more books to unpack - but we are all happier in our living room. It feels like ours in ways that furniture and laundry piles just can't replicate.

We love books. We read all the time. Recently the one-year old has figured out the magic of bringing a board book to me to be read infinite times. ((Banana, Spoon, Cracker... add nausea)). It's gratifying to my Mama-Heart to know she will be adding to these shelves. Our shelves reflect classes we have taken, writing we have done, interests we have pursued, dreams followed or let go. So many books are old friends.

Bookshelves are a reflection of life and soul. I'm so glad we have books (and lots of them) in every room.

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*While I was contemplating this post I ran across this awesome bookshelf with a reading cave built in! How I would love to put that in our house somewhere, someday, when we have room for it!