First Encounters

It's hard to tell from this angle, but that's my boy.

I knew it would happen, and I've even assumed it would happen soon. Brother-Bug wears his skirts and dresses when and where he wants to, so of course it was only a matter of time before some other, more conforming kids, decided to give him a hard time.

Happy National Bullying Prevention Month, by the way.

Brother-Bug was playing on the near by elementary school playground and got a drink of water. Papa-Bug was watching Sister-Bug. Some older boys near the water fountain took issue with Brother-Bug's polka-dot skirt, telling him that boys don't wear skirts, and so on. Bless my son's beautiful heart - he first tried to educate these other kids, explaining that boys can wear whatever they want to. Naturally these kids ignored his attempts at explanation and reconciliation. They teased and shamed him. He fled to his Papa-Bug who confirmed that the boys were mean and wrong.

What does a parent do in this situation? Papa-Bug was not in hearing range, so was not able to help in the immediate. How to address this, without adding to the shame for Brother-Bug; without shaming the bullies? And in this culture of gender oppression, a little boy who wears skirts is going to need to learn how to handle all sorts of remarks, regardless of who is around to support him.

But my heart breaks for my wonderful Princess-Boy, with his long legs that are so beautiful in a skirt. His world has been so free of this kind of treatment and oppression up until now. He's not sure he wants to wear skirts to that playground anymore. We've explained that as a fine choice, but to think about if he wants to let these narrow minded kids change what he is comfortable wearing. We explained that we have to live in our way, and speak our truth courageously, and decide when and how we best can do that. That there is nothing we can do or say to those kids that will change their minds. That they are scared of someone being different; maybe they want to wear skirts but someone else shamed them.

Brother-Bug is a logical guy and I think he understood the message. Luckily we live in a pretty safe community where the majority of people Brother-Bug encounters love him for his unique self; a community where men in skirts is not outside the ordinary. After some inner contemplations he came up with the idea that Papa-Bug could wear his pink pants or a skirt with him to the playground. Papa-Bug is totally game. I volunteered to wear a tie.

But no matter how much we support and love the heck out of him, he's going to find other narrow-minded gender conformists who will do their best to shame him into his appropriate gender box. I believe that he will rise to the challenges presented to him with grace and resourcefulness, like he did yesterday. I hope he understands that it's not him; it's the rest of the damn world. But all the understanding is not going to fully heal the hurt and the small fissures those boys left in his innocence and self-confidence yesterday.

My boys - looking so fabulous. Who can resist loving this awesome fashion plate?

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In the spirit of preventing bullying, how can we help kids like Brother-Bug?

Sport gender bending clothing for fun and with pride. Dress up is fun!

Don't let anyone force a gender stereotype onto another person in your hearing.

Support groups that are working for equality - for all orientations, lifestyles, and gender expressions.

Speak up lovingly and respectfully about your support of equality, the people you know who genderbend, and other lifestyle differences.

Talk gently and complimentarily to kids who are expressing their clothing choices in a non-conforming way.

Talk to kids with rigid gender ideas (Sister-Bug is one - she won't ever play pirates unless she can be a Princess-Pirate!) about how other expressions are just fine.

Don't take color (pink vs. blue) so seriously or literally. Likewise with princesses, cars, horses, unicorns, trucks, superheroes, or whatever else. 

There are lots more ideas out there I am sure. This was just what I came up with on a brainstorm list. people. What can I add to it?

"I’m not ashamed to dress ‘like a woman’ because I don’t think it’s shameful to be a woman.” ~ Iggy Pop

After I posted this, I got a reminder on my Facebook wall that this weekend is the anniversary of Mathew Shepard's horrific murder. As a parent facing the challenges inherent in having a non-conforming child, this chills me to my very soul. For Matthew and for Brother-Bug, lets all be a little (or even a lot) more loving and tolerant of all people's differences. And let's stop tolerating bullying and intolerance.

Why No Ultrasounds?

I have never had an ultrasound during a pregnancy. Happily, my babes have so far grown perfectly without any need to check and make sure that they are okay. I have nothing against someone else having an ultrasound for whatever reasons they deem fit, but they just aren't for me.

I would have an ultrasound if the health and well-being of me or the baby were in question and I wouldn't hesitate. I am fully in support of using the magic of technology and modern medicine to prevent problems and save lives. In this writing I am considering only the routine ultrasounds done throughout a pregnancy.

There are a number of questions surrounding routine ultrasound, and you can read about them in Mothering's article here, if you are interested. I'm writing about why I don't ultrasound my pregnancies.

My superficial hesitation - those ultrasound images are kind of creepy and alien. The images of the standard ultrasound are odd enough, but the newer 3-D images look to me like someone has tried to sculpt Winston Churchill out of pudding and failed...I don't really want that to be a "first" visual of my baby.

Sister-Bug has a cuddle, hoping to be kicked in the head. 

I've been surprised at every pregnancy the amount of judgement extended to a family who chooses not to find out the baby's gender. You, random stranger in the grocery store, need to know the gender of my baby for what reason? We should know the gender so we...know what to buy? Additional judgement is extended when it's revealed that we don't have any ultrasounds, with or without gender. It's as though I am intentionally endangering my baby because of sheer pig-headedness, as though I'm a bad parent for not counting the baby's fingers and toes before it joins my reality.
I marvel as my belly grows each time. I wonder if it's a boy or girl...but even more I wonder what idiosyncrasies, what personality quirks and traits have manifested as this baby grows inside me. I wonder if it will have a secret dimple like it's sister, or the funny ribs that Brother-Bug inherited from me. These things won't be revealed by an ultrasound, and I wouldn't want them to be.

We do use an ultrasound doppler with our midwife to hear the baby's heartbeat, and without fail all three babies have, as soon as they were big enough, moved away from it's waves, deeper into my cavities. They don't like it (how I can tell they don't like it is a topic for another post). The doppler is a very low-level wave, much lower than the wave needed to see the outlines of a baby. If my babies don't like this little wave, if we can tell that they are distressed by it, how much more might they be distressed by the larger sonics of a visual ultrasound?

But ultimately what it comes down to is this: My body has made this dark and protected cave in which my baby takes its first movements, begins its heartbeats, and turns to the gentle stimuli that come through the layers of my skin and muscle. It is the quintessence of private and intimate. The idea of ultrasound penetrating this privacy just doesn't work for me; it violates something sacred.

There are lots of people in the world for whom ultrasound is an important part of their journey through pregnancy, and I applaud their decision and ability to choose what is right for their body and baby. But it's not a route I plan on taking - for a third time around.

What About The Prince?

I love synchronicity. Here I am, in my corner of the blogosphere thinking about the ways in which Princesses impact my children. Over at The Good Men Project there is a wonderful essay about The Prince and what noxious stereotypes he teaches.

So now I'm thinking about Princes and how to re-frame what we tell our young men about manliness. I don't have any concrete thoughts about this yet (I just read the essay 20 minutes ago), but I wanted to share the link for those who were interested in the Princess post.
The Good Men Project: How To Be A Prince

Interesting sidenote: as I looked around for prince images, I was intrigued by the very small number of single prince images. Almost all of the pictures involve the Princess. He's not really a stand-alone character, apparently. Lot's to think about!

Princess Power

Princesses are a reality in the world of parenting - especially if you have a daughter. They are on stickers and band-aids and everything else. Even if you try to keep them out of your house, they are at friends' houses. What do we do about our Princesses?

Let's think about this though... Are Princesses really as bad as many people would have us believe? I'm not so sure. I think we leap too quickly to obfuscate Princesses because of the potential that our daughters and sons learn a negative message. In reality, I think it's all in the interpretation and the message you choose to share.

Papa-Bug and I were talking about this. After all, consumerism and marketing aside, we have heartily endorsed Brother-Bug's vehicle & 'Cars' obsessions. What if all Sister-Bug cares about is Sleeping Beauty & Snow White? How can we buy licensed characters for one kid and deny the other kid?

In the course of this conversation, we segued into the broad topic of helping our daughter learn to use her power. Papa-Bug said (to paraphrase) "I find the Princess Power to be a little scary - it's so subtle." That idea raised a red flag in my women's studies brain.

Scary? To you, a privileged white male? Interesting.

Before I delve further, let me state that I deplore the physical representations of the Princesses. They are painfully thin, some of them laughably so. But I'm not her to talk about what they look like. That is a related, yet different topic of discourse.

Let's get back to those scary princesses. Why are they so scary? Because they are powerful. Because its a subtle power, often difficult for someone raised to believe in the "powerful might" to put their finger on. Because the princess manipulates and uses her power through biology and desires that subdue the powerful might. Because it's a power that a man can not posess nor fully understand.

This power - the power of looks and biology (read: sex) - is a power that women have used for millenia. When women were chattel, posession of father then husband, it was all the power they had. The Goal was marriage - until very recently it was the only truly viable goal and option for the majority of women on the planet. It is only within the last half-century that Barbie could become an astronaut.

So women developed this power. Good, bad or beautiful, they worked with what they had - their bodies - and evolved complex habits and rituals to keep that power intact. I'm going out on a historical limb here, but assuming that most children's stories were likely concocted by a mother trying to get a child to hear a lesson and/or settle down...Mothers told stories to their daughters that featured young women (princesses) who presevered in the face of hardship to attain The Goal (the prince and marriage).

Princesses are powerful and they always achieve The Goal.

We want our daughters to be powerful right? So did whoever came up with these age-old tales to help their daughters learn to use the power that they had. And what a power it is! History is full of tales of beautiful women who use their skills to subdue the mightiest men. No wonder it's scary.

Fast-forward through bloomers at the end of the 19th century, sufferage, women in factories in both World Wars, and a Feminist Movement that brought us ever closer to equality. We have lots of possible goals now - wife or astronaut, teacher or congress-woman. I'm not here to say that marriage and baby making is The Goal anymore. But even though women's options have increased and our horizons have broadened, Princesses are still powerful.

My favorite Princess. Grace Kelly.

And if we deny our daughters knowledge of and access to that Princess Power, are we not cutting them off from some amazing aspects of Womens' History? If we take away that power, what do we replace it with? We can talk and write and discourse for hours about the power of the empowered woman, and advocate for the ERA, non-gendered toys, and positive role models for young women... But those are lacking in the magic and mystique that appeals to little children. Why don't we accept that Princesses are here, historically important, and that they aren't going anywhere? How can we find ways to show our daughters how very strong and cool a princess can be?

I am choosing, as a parent, to embrace Princesses for all their might. I'm going to celebrate their strength. When my kids are older (because you know that Brother-Bug is as much or more into Princesses than his sister is) I will show them historical Princesses and we will talk about thier role in the world. We will enjoy Princess movies and Princess tales.

I will not villify something that has so much potential for teaching strength and courage. I will not tell my daughter that ANY woman is bad/evil/wrong, even if she is pencil thin with gigantic eyes.

I will point out how cartoon women's bodies are...not accurate.

I WILL play dress up with my Princess-loving children.

Because Princess costumes are FUN! Much more fun than an empowered feminist dress-up set - what would that even look like?

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I have more thoughts on Princesses, so keep your eyes tuned. Princess Ariel (from Disney's Little Mermaid) is one of my new favorite feminist figures. Wonder why? Stay tuned!

Also, I realize this is potentially inflammatory for lots of people. I welcome your comments as long as you keep said comments in the spirit of inquiry, conversation, and polite disagreement. I will delete any comments that are mean or disrespectful. 

A Busy Time and A Good Read

I'm not writing a lot for the next month or so. Besides the usual onslaught of life, chores, homeschooling, and pregnancy, we have family in town (parked in an RV behind my house), we just spend almost a week working up at Breitenbush, and now we are getting ready for our week out at the Oregon Country Fair.

I posted some pictures from Fair last year - it's always a mad thing to prepare for. Six days of camping, wandering, partying, parenting, and other mayhem. It's the week that most of our plans and goals revolve around every year. I can't wait to get out there, get my wings on, and have a blast.

In other news, the blogging conversation continues. A while ago, MommyMan wrote about his son's desire to wear a dress and I responded. I was completely thrilled to read a recent post from the MommyMan, in which his son dons a dress and feels fabulous - as all kids should, regardless of the clothing they wear. It's a great post and I will certainly admit to getting all choaked up while reading it.

I guess it ties into our trip to Country Fair...if only because I have to remember to get Brother-Bug's new green taffeta dancing & cocktail dress clean for the weekend...

Mama To A Dressy Boy

When Brother-Bug was born we were delighted to have a little son. He had mostly boyish clothes - largely because the hand-me-downs we got were from his older boy cousins and a couple other friends with boys. Had he been a girl the clothes would have been the same. We were poor and finishing college and relied on the hand-me-downs.

Fast forward a little less than two years and it was summer. He was hot and didn't want to wear his diaper, so we popped him into a pink striped sundress that we had in the hand-me-down box. I don't know about you, but Papa-Bug and I both find dresses much more comfortable on a really hot day. Brother-Bug loved his dress and begged for more.

Of course, we did dress him like a Faery-Baby at 10-months... It's NOT a dress! Those are shorts!

Since it didn't bother us, we gave him more dresses. The next summer, I made him a sundress with a bulldozer dress on it - instant favorite.

Fast forward to now. My son wears a variety of clothes that he finds comfortable. Sometimes that's a t-shirt and pants or shorts. Sometimes it's a skirt and t-shirt. Sometimes it's a dress. Once it was an old necktie as a belt, holding up a loincloth made of bubble wrap - he told me he was dressing as a pirate.

Our family is "traditional" in the sense that we have a Mama, a Papa & 2.38 kids. I stay home and Papa-Bug goes to work. Papa-Bug usually wears a tie and button-down to work. I wear an assortment of clothing (determined largely by what is clean). The kids have aunts and uncles, friends of both genders, adult friends who are queer in assorted ways... My point here is that Brother-Bug hasn't had a lot of exposure to boys in dresses, beyond our allowing (and even encouraging him) to wear dresses if they are comfortable to him. He came to his fashion desires of his own accord.


Mommy Man posted about his 2-year old's desire to wear a dress and I started thinking about this. What is my responsibility to my son's clothing preferences? Of course I don't want him to think that his preferences are wrong or shameful, and I don't want to expose him to teasing or shaming (from his peers or adults). But by suggesting to him that his favorite polka-dot skirt, striped tights, and pink converse might not be appropriate for a trip to the playground... What does that tell him? That he can be himself, but only in certain circumstances and specific places?

This is my 2-year old boy...in a dress.

True, that's part of culture. There are times and places for everything, and I'm into both Little-Bugs learning the difference between our private lives and the things we do at home versus our public lives and the things we do in the world around our homes. But clothing? I can wear a skirt and tights to the playground, so can Sister-Bug.

My responsiblity to his clothing is to make sure he is dressed appropriately for the weather we will encounter. My responsibility is to make sure he feels loved and supported if he encounters resistance or judgement regarding his clothing decisions - from wearing an un-cool t-shirt to wearing his favortie spinning dress.

There are times I guide his clothing choices to ensure his comfort - physical and social-emotional. But unless we will be going somewhere that I believe either he or his parents will be seriously discomfitted by our lovely boy in a skirt, I let him do what he wants. I do make him leave the bubble wrap at home - or at least put pants or a skirt under it. I'm sure that the world he lives in will spend plenty of time and energy trying to get him to "dress correctly" and I can help him with those decisions when they arise.

I've heard a few arguements against letting him wear dresses. They are, quite frankly, laugable.

The first - He will develop a sense of shame by wearing dresses. Wait. Let me think about that... If I allow him and support him in being the person that he wants to be (who or whatever that is) he will develop a sense of shame? That just doesn't even begin to make sense. We develop a sense of shame when we are taught that something we do is shameful.

The second - It is not normal for boys to wear dresses. Hmmmm...Shall we start pointing at cultures around the world where a dress, skirt, or other flowing garment is the usual garb for men and boys? Shall we traipse through history, back less than 120 years ago, when all children wore skirts into their early childhood? Today, in American culture it is not normal to see a boy in a dress. That has no actual bearing on what is or is not normal for boys.

The third - (this one comes mostly from the younger set - kids that see Brother-Bug in a dress) Boys don't wear dresses! Well, Brother-Bug is a boy and he wears dresses, so I guess boys do wear dresses. So there. Girls wear pants, right?

So much for the arguements.

Hot day. Breezy sundress. He's almost 4 here.

Sure, we gather some strange looks in public sometimes. People get thrown off by a boy in a dress. I have interesting conversations sometimes. But I am usually plesantly surprised by peoples' ability to accept my boy in a dress and often compliment him on how nice he looks. I was (and I still am) ready to fight for him and his right to his preferneces. But so far, he dresses in his dresses. He's happy. I'll close with his thoughts:

Mama-Bug: Why do you like to wear dresses?
Brother-Bug: Ummmm....I don't know. I just like to wear dresses because I like to wear dresses. And they are pretty.

And who can argue with that?

Wordless Wednesday: Ready to Ride

This is a knight-faery, complete with velvet dancing dress, lucky tights, rainbow lei, cowboy boots, and Lightning McQueen helmet. This is my son.

What Our Little Boys Are Made Of

A while ago I posted about my son's love of dresses. We are big supporters of helping our children discover who they are, regardless of the usual gender norms.

Today I read the most moving post on little boys and nurturing their creativity. I recommend you check it out, especially if you are the parent of a son. Pictures and words eloquently beg the question of what happens If you give a boy a....

As a parent of a son and a daughter, I thought a lot about how true this is for little boys, and I wonder how I change it to make a similar series of thoughts for my girl...

Peter Pan after a long day.

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Thanks go out to Jodie over at Strings & Yarn for pointing out the Rhythm of the Home, where I found that post. It's a lovely place with lots of great ideas and inspiration.

Actually...

My sweet, bookish, truck-loving son has an affinity for sundresses. And we haven't told him that boys don't wear dresses. In fact, his Papa-Bug has a couple of skirts and sarongs for hot days.

Boys wear dresses in cultures around the globe.

Brother-Bug wears his dresses whenever and wherever. Today he wore one to the library, eliciting one of my favorite events:


Queer Community Member Puts Child In Gender Box.

He has short hair. He wears boy-ish glasses. He wears Lightning McQueen shoes. It seems obvious to me that he is a boy. But the dress throws people every time. And that's okay. It mostly delights me when someone I know to be queer, formerly queer, or otherwise into breaking out of the heterosexual-gender-dichotomy thinks the kid is a girl, simply based on one article of his clothing. I delight in correcting these people. It has only happened a couple of times.

It goes like this:

Boy twirls in circle wearing his favorite flowered dress.

Liberal Friend says something like "She's so cute! And she seems to like her hair short."

I respond with, "Nope. HE likes to wear dresses."

Liberal friend then usually has the wherewithal to look chagrined. Because they just boxed a child based on the previously mentioned heterosexual-gender-dichotomy that they railed against at some protest somewhere.

HA!

 

This is him, a couple of years ago, in his favorite, mommy-made bulldozer dress. Quite a little guy, isn't he?